Little Drips of Poison Part 1

A Fairytale of Torture 

Once upon a time there was a man named Dr. Alfred Von Chemobottom.  His beloved wife developed a strange lump on her elbow.  After removing the offending elbow, Dr. Von Chemobottom was determined to prevent the return of the elbow and the lump. 

At first he tried serving her a steady diet of candies and cakes.  While his wife, Alfreda, enjoyed this regimen, he was uncertain of its effectiveness. She developed lots of lumps and bumps, but they were of a different sort, mostly around the belly. Next he tried exposing her to sunlight as many hours as possible.  Sadly, a new and threatening lump appeared which required removal.  Dr. Von Chemobottom tried everything he could think of to prevent the growth of more lumps. He tried hitting her with pots and pans, painting their house, even ironing her socks.  Still, he felt he had not found the answer.  Then it hit him, like a pot or a pan.

Every two weeks for four months he hooked his beloved up to a machine and sent poison into her body.  It was unpleasant, but not nearly as unpleasant as the effects that came after.  The symptoms included, but were not limited to…memory loss and confusion, stabbing stomach pain and exhaustion, hair loss and acne, nausea and a complete inability to taste food or drinks.  Mrs. Von Chemobottom, now a thin, forgetful, bald woman with terrible skin, begged her husband to stop his treatments.  Reluctantly, he agreed to stop poisoning the woman he loved.  Fortunately, the bizarre and aggressive treatment seemed to work, and the Von Chemobottoms never had to worry about lumps again. Except for the ones Alfred got when Alfreda hit him with pots and pans.

I don’t know. You tell me.  Who realized poisoning cancer patients would make them better?

What’s that? It was the Germans? Huge surprise.  Seriously, the origins of chemo are found in the Germans’ use of chemical warfare during World War I.  I’m starting to wonder if we should reexamine the cookie and cake treatment.  The Germans may just have gone with the poison thing cause it’s more their style.