Is it a delightful
month of lounging in bed?
No. You cannot sleep on your side, or your stomach, or propped up
on pillows. Your only option is to
sleep on your back, arms at your sides, flat as possible; essentially the
sleeping equivalent of missionary style.
So recovery is similar
to a voodoo induced catatonic state?
No… mostly. It wasn’t all drugs and Brian Wilson impressions. Lots of
awesome friends and family sent and brought fun gifts, yummy treats and delicious
dinners. It almost made the whole
thing worth it. Almost.
Is there a special
diet?
No. I assumed I would be on some sick people diet of broth
and Ensure after the surgery, but I had a healthy appetite and was able to eat
normally. Well, my mom was here,
so I was able to eat as much as a Jewish girl can with her mother looking over
her shoulder.
Really? Another
chocolate bar?
Sam and Robin sent us a giant basket of chocolate bars and it would
be rude not to eat them all as quickly as possible.
What do you need when
you’re recovering from a mastectomy?
My experience is based on a process involving temporary
implants that will ultimately be replaced by permanent implants. Yeah, that’s
right world, Becky Dansky has breast implants. If you are having a FLAP
procedure, congrats on your free tummy tuck, but in twenty years my boobs will
be way perkier.
What special clothing
will I need?
Forget anything that goes on or off over your head.
- Housecoats All clothing should snap, zip or button from top to bottom. The longer the better, because you’re not going to want to wear underpants the first few days. Don’t complicate things.
- Jog bras They should open in front and be snug. No underwires. These are hard to find and can be overpriced. I’ve heard both Hanes and Danskin make some options, but I couldn’t find them in my size. Remember, post surgery, your cup letter may be a little smaller (leave room for bandages), but your back number is still the same. I found a line by Fruit of the Loom at Wal-Mart. Yes, I’ll go to hell for shopping there, but for $10 a pop, my mastectomy recovery went smoothly, thus postponing my arrival date in Hades.
What don’t you need?
- Mastectomy camisoles They have these pockets to “hide” your drains. Instead I looked like a suicide bomber. Remember the grenade belts in Hellboy? It looked like I had one of those around my waist. They also came with hilarious fake boobs. They were comically large, and that’s coming from a girl who used to have comically large breasts.
- Shower Shirts If you want a weird looking, waterproof, pink, cape, go for it.
What’s the most
important thing for recovery?
Warning: The following statement is completely out of character. The most important thing is someone who loves you very much. You don’t even have to like this
person, but he or she must absolutely, unconditionally love you. To be clear, I do love Jason an unreasonable amount.
This person will have the pleasure of:
- Washing, shaving and deodorizing your armpits;
- Emptying then measuring and documenting the contents of your drains;
- Getting you everything you want, whenever you want it, during whatever random 15 minute window you choose to be awake that day; walkie talkies help;
- Forsaking all others because you want to change your housecoat;
- Sitting through countless doctors’ appointments and pretending not to be embarrassed when you say ridiculous things to the doctors just to see how they’ll react;
- Changing the kitty litter for the rest of your lives together;
- Pretending to be super into your constantly changing weird looking new boobs;
- Yelling at you when you try to do things that are clearly forbidden, even if he’s really tired of unloading the dishwasher;
- Ignoring you every half hour when you yell “My boobs hurt!”;
And so so so so much more…
On the plus side, he gets to share all the yummy stuff
people send. And for the rest of our lives whenever he doesn't want to do something he gets to say "remember that time you had cancer and I took care of you?"
So what happens next?
Although my surgeons are pleased with my healing and my
pathology report, my oncologist says some other report called an oncotype says I
need chemotherapy. I don’t know if I trust this oncotype. Sounds like one of
them foreign tests. Anyway I will likely follow a course that involves 6 sessions
with one every 3 weeks.
When I’m done with my chemo I will undergo radiation
treatment, followed by hormone therapy for 10 years. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I’ll stop blogging by then.
